My Daughter is a Bully!

Parent to Parent

MANILA, Philippines — Dear Suzi and Paolo,

I think my daughter is a bully. She has been in several fights and a couple of parents and teachers have already called my attention. The thing is, she is sweet and quiet at home and I

could never imagine her a bully.  How do I deal with this?  How do I find out why she is behaving badly at school?  How do I teach her not to be a bully?  Please help.

Aileen Sta. Gabrie

Suzi Says: Hi there mommy!

Thanks for writing.  I think that accepting that your daughter is a bully is the first step already.  It is often very difficult for a parent to accept anything that may indicate that his or her child is not okay on all aspects.  So, what now?

You mentioned that there have been complaints already.  Does your daughter hit other children?  Does she make them feel bad or boss them around?  The only way for you to know is to talk to her teachers.  Be prepared though because bullies are careful to not show their bullying to authorities.  If the teacher says that she didn't see anything, try to talk to the parent of the child your daughter has bullied in the past.

Do try to find out what your daughter does.  Then maybe from there, you can try to analyze the cause of her bullying.

Usually bullying is a reflection of a home life that is unhappy.  Usually the child is bullied at home by siblings or parents that is why they try to regain some form of control by bullying other kids in school.  But you said that your daughter is sweet at home.  Do you have other kids who might be bullying her? Maybe a caretaker who bosses her around?  Be extra observant to help figure out your daughter.

But the absolute best thing to do is to talk to your daughter.  It's alright if she doesn't open up to you right away.  You have to earn her trust so she would open up to you about her feelings.  Sometimes it's very difficult to put into words how we really feel so be patient with her.

Always tell her that you are there for her no matter what and that you won't judge her. Good luck mommy!

Paolo Says: It's never pleasant for parents to hear something negative about their children, but this is something you might want to take a closer look at. Kids who are bullies are thought to be expressing frustrations of their own. Perhaps, there are some things that she is unable to express at home or at school? I may be stating the obvious here but a good heart to heart may be the best place to start. Ask her if there are issues that she may want to express but is unable to. Look at the discipline situation at home, Are you too lax or too strict? Too much of either can lead to a child "expressing" his or her reaction to the situation on her peers.

On the other side of coin, while we need to be sensitive to our children's feelings,  I suggest you do not condone her behavior either. She has to understand that her behavior is unacceptable. Ask her to put herself in the place of the other children that get bullied to help her understand. She needs to be nurtured but at the same time taught that her bullying is a bad thing. I hope this bit of advice helps.