Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn’t Bloody Moving
Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com)
– After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which
it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the
whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it,
Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the
North Atlantic.
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“Good
Lord, that was a booze up,” said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime
Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House,
approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.
According
to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly
insulted during the continent’s nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the
binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where
several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation’s general
lack of respect from abroad.
“It
started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo
Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is
funnier than Seinfeld, only they’re Aussies so no one knows about ‘em,”
recalled witness Kevin Porter. “Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says
Australia’s main problem is that it’s stuck in Australia, and everybody
says ‘Too right!’”
“Well, it made sense at the time,” Porter added.
By 2
a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile
land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into
the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away
in its wake.
When
dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found
itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic,
and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that’s the way it’s
going to stay.
“We sent
troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government
scandals. You never hear about it. It’s all ‘America did this,’ and
‘Europe says that,’” exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. “Well, we’re
right in the thick of things now, so let’s just see if you can you
ignore us.”
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Officials
on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. “They
broke Florida,” said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher.
“And most of Latin America is missing.”
Meanwhile, victims of what’s already been dubbed the “Australian Crawl” are still shaking off the event.
“Australia
bumped into us at about midnight local time,” said Hawaii governor Ben
Cayetano. “They were very friendly – they always seem friendly –
but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But
the questions were impossible. ‘Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim
Tams? What day is Australia Day?’”
“Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one,” Cayetano added.
Panama, however, was not so lucky.
“Australia
came through here screaming curses at us to let them through,” said
Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama
Canal. “We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a
manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent
through.”
When
Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia
“accidentally” backed up and took out every nation in the region, as
well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song
about it.
By late
morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe.
“We’ve still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland,” said Australian
army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. “I think we might have declared
war on it. I don’t bloody remember. Maybe it’s time to go home.”
Cosgrove,
however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and
European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for
Australia’s withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not
making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian
representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North
Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6
Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime
U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a
4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.
U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request “absurd.”
Source: Satire
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